lassitude

I am so exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I don't think i need to clarify as to why i'm so tired mentally. Physically, I'm worn out because i haven't had enough sleep, and i don't sleep at my usual hour anymore. When i don't have enough sleep, i'm prone to get the sniffles which makes studying much more difficult. Imagine having to have a tissue box in front of you while reading bio and trying to understand and remember what you've read and also at the same time holding a tissue near your nose as you try to stop the 'unclosed tap'. Plus, i can't seem to get rid of this bloody headache since yesterday...arrghh..what is happening??? I'm also emotionally drained. I can't remember a day where i didn't cry at all lately. Hmm...let's try to recall............................................................................................................................................................nope. can't remember. She left on saturday night. Her plane took off at about 9.30 pm. The last mental picture i had of her was her going down the escalator at the gate. She was waving goodbye as she said "don't cry". How am i supposed to do that when she herself was crying? I told myself before that i wasn't going to cry. And then, her eyes were starting to water, and i can't see people crying cause i have the tendency to follow suit. That's all i have to hold on to for 6 months. That's half a year. I won't be able to see my mum for half a year. Everytime i think about her, my eyes start to water. And so far without failing, i've managed to weep after I've done my prayers cause i think about her afterwards. Oh yeah, and after i talk to her through YM and hearing her voice, i shed some tears when she had to go cause it's 11 at night already over there and she has to sleep cause she has to wake up early for work. So yeah, i'm pretty much all around fatigued. I feel like i'm falling apart, and i'm trying to keep myself together for me and for my younger bro and for my mum. She wouldn't want me like this. I have to keep that in mind. I'm way much stronger than this. I've been through so much crap already, i should be able to handle this, right? Maybe, i hope so. The difference between those times and now is that at that time, my mum was close. Now, she's god knows how many miles away. People keep on pointing out to me that when i'm in the States, it'll be the same thing. But, it's not the same thing. That would be MY choice. MY departure. This-this isn't my pick. That's the difference. If you can't see what i mean, then just kindly keep your mouth shut cause i'm tired of pointing it out and explaining what i mean. I miss her, everyday. ahh..damn, here comes the waterworks.

"Life is one long process of getting tired." - Samuel Butler