never-to-send letter

Dear H,

I haven't got a clue as to why you're on my mind lately. Is it because of your text the day before aidilfitri? Something about it seemed much more personal than the general wish that one sends to everybody. I don't know whether I should have given a personal reply as well. Instead, I gave you a reply of the 'general wish' that I've sent to everyone else. And now I'm beginning to wonder whether I've done the right thing. I had just realized that I had the opportunity to make things right between us and I basically threw it out the window. I have so many questions for you. Why did you suddenly contacted me a few months ago after months of no communication? Did you think that everything was going to go back to what it was before 'that' happened? I cannot imagine how you could think that? Are you so naive or that confident of yourself that you thought I would just allow you to be who you used to mean to me? I believe that I did asked you once and you failed to provide me with an adequate answer, heck it wasn't even intelligible. I guess that call was sort of a closure for us, that we are to stay friends. The thing is, I'm not sure if staying friends is a managable task for us. Did you ever think that maybe the reason that it didn't end well for us is because we were never really friends in the true sense of the word. You made your intentions quite clear in the beginning, that you didn't want me to be just your friend. So I guess I'm the person at fault here for I didn't make my aim quite as bold as you. Maybe that was due to the fact that I myself didn't know what it was. Retrospectively, I feel that our story would have a better ending if we had built a sturdier friendship. I don't know about you but that's my opinion. I also wonder as to why you stayed unattached after I left. I bet you have many admirers over there that you could have just involve yourself with one just to spite me I guess. But to my surprise I have to admit, you did no such thing. That intrigued me enough to ask my friends about it. You know which ones I'm talking about. And this is what they'd come up with: you're still hoping; and I can't comprehend that, you see. I have not the slightest idea as to why you're still clinging to the notion of us being together when you did nothing to repair the damage. The ball was in your court, and you did not act. To me, you had made your decision so I walked away. You, not me who walked away first. Don't you realize that? I guess I have my answer on that question. By the way, I meant each word that I sent in that text. I just want us to be friends and for me to leave on a good note between us.

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." ~ Flavia Weedn

Eid Mubarak 2009

Syawal's finally here after a swift month of fasting. It's sad really that Ramadhan only lasts for less than 30 days for it's the only period where all the demons and devils are locked up. And everyone's celebrating their release at dusk with fireworks? It just doesn't make sense, does it? Anyways, the first day of raya was spent at my grandparents' place as usual. The next few days, on the hand, were celebrated at our relatives' sanctuaries upon their invitations, of course.

Family Photo Op #1

Family Photo Op #2

In both photos: Atuk, Irsyad, Mairin, Me, Elisya, Nenek

"Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts"

eventful weekend

I had a pretty busy weekend these past 2 days out and about around PJ area and KL. First, I had to send the car to the Proton Service Center in PJ early in the morning. Early as in I had to wake up at 7.00 on a freaking Saturday! Why? 1) To avoid traffic 2) To get an early number. Everything else was a bit of a blur when I got there and before I handed over the keys. Next up on the agenda was something that I was looking forward to, at first. We went to Jalan Sultan Ismail and Jalan TAR to hunt for our raya garments. I feel like I'm compelled to comment on the choices offered for women this year for they were horrible and down-right dreadful. There were a few, let me emphasize that, A FEW occasional pretty numbers but of course, there weren't any in my size. How utterly convenient, isn't it? And what is with the old-lady and tie-dye designs? They are far from attractive, and makes one look outdated instead of vintage if that is the intended aim of the creators. The splash of rainbow colors does not flatter one either; instead, one probably looks like a walking paint-gone-wrong canvas. Seriously, I can't help but wonder why this year's designs are ridiculously unappealing. On top of that, I find that the men's choices were a vast improvement from last year's that I almost wished I was a guy. Do you see what I mean now? Sigh.

So then after my futile attempt at securing myself a baju kurung, it was time to shop for shoes! I'm happy to report that I did not leave the mall empty-handed for I had found the shoes that I'm currently ensnared with. I kind of went through all of the shoe stores before I went back to the first one just to check out my options. Mum understood, but I think dad was humoring and quietly tolerating me. Hehe. It was a battle between the beige easy-to-wear-but-not-so-comfortable and the black comfy-takes-time-to-wear wedges and....the black won! Yeah, I decided to opt for comfort over convenience this time around. At around 1-ish, we headed back to PJ to retrieve my car and went straight home to catch up on some lost snooze.

Sunday
Almost every Sunday like about 99.9% is the day where the cars are washed, the house is cleaned, my dad does his gardening, etc. Woke up, assisted mum with washing my car. Afterwards, we went to try our luck again at finding our baju kurung at some other places. Sure enough and as to be expected, the ones that I like failed to provide me with a pair in my size. This is one of the consequences of pre-selecting yellow and limiting one's own options. In the end, it turned out that I was going to be the odd one again as frustration began to resurface. Great, now everyone's in yellow, and I don't even know what color mine really is. Nevertheless, I can't say that I'm not entirely unhappy with it as I got to wear the prominent design that caught my eye among a sea of clothings. I would love it more in yellow though. Oh well, it's better than nothing, right? Two down, a few more tasks to go!

"Get busy living, or get busy dying." ~ Stephen King

ramblings & realization

Today is the 2nd day of my being back in college. Class was at 8.00 am; I was so blur for the first half of the class that I thought I wasn't going to be able to understand what she was talking about. I haven't woken up so early for the past 3 weeks that I kind of felt like a zombie going to class. Haha I sure hope I didn't look like one, though. Lack of quality sleep does that to me, I wonder why I can't ever have a dreamless sleep without any form of help (flu med, cough syrup, etc.) Even when I replaced my lost snooze later after class and my phone beeped to inform me of an incoming text, I was aware that I did not want to wake up from my dream. I did eventually wake up, however to find that it was almost 1.30 in the afternoon. Seriously, I think my brain just doesn't want to shut down, ever. It's tiring, really. sigh

The surroundings were pretty quiet on the whole with the occasional shrieks and screams and laughter outside my room. Too quiet sometimes, you know the kind that makes you feel like you're all by yourself. Not the most pleasant feeling in the world, I tell you. I can't help but wonder if this is how it's going to feel like in the States. I didn't think about this part at all when I was planning my direction in life after school. Now I know what my dad was talking about in that particular conversation about my aunt where I could not see the possibility of the emotion at the time. Hate to admit this but he was right. Ugh.

"Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out. " ~ Anton Chekhov